# The Guv's Bard Fuckery Table<br> <div class='wide'> You have all had one at your table: The Horny Bard. Sure, its good for a laugh or two, but when they try to shag the Guard Captain for the 10th time in a hub town, it gets old and, frankly, boring. This changes that. Introducing the BFT - or the Bard Fuckery Table. Within, you'll find real world consequences for the Bard (or character) that just wants to bone. Some are pretty harsh, others annoying. I almost guarantee that if the character doesn't slow their roll after this a few times, the party will do the cockblocking for them, which can lead to some fantastic RP moments. Or they can speed it up and get knocked up with a nasty Mini-BBEG following the party. Its not all negative of course: some shoot off into plot hooks that you can run encounters from. <br> I recommend (and personally roll) a d20 as they roll a d100 and add your amount to theirs when consulting the BFT, if the Bard/Party is prolific in the activity. Keeps it... *unpredictable* that way, y'know? Discuss with the Player if they are playing a Non-Binary PC, 'cos some of the results will depend on how the player presents their Character in game. The description will direct the DM's narrative. Some descriptions have further info in **bold** which will be listed under the BFT. If the roll needs extra info passed on to the character, try and do so without the other players knowledge for fun RP times. Oh, and this can also be used as a 'Sexy shenanigans' Table too, so everyone can cop the fun! But please, **do read through this thing first in its entirety** to see if you want to use this at your table, 'cos my original version is over 25 years old, some options ain't for everyone and others need a touch of pre-planning by the **DM** beforehand - I marked those with a **#**. There's also some tables under the BFT you might want to use separately, and finally, you may have to tweak some Events on the fly if its two PC's doing the shagging. For the purposes of the list, you may want to designate just one PC as the **Bard**. </div> # The List <div class='wide'> The person being affected will be referred to as the **Bard** for the purposes of these lists, m'kay? | Roll | Effect| Description | |:------:|:------------:|:-----| | 1-3 | **The Hunt Begins** |*Female*: Auto-**Pregnancy**, two **complications**, **Hunted** from second week of pregnancy. Cannot be terminated by potion or magic. <br>*Male*: **Cursed** and **Hunted** from the second week of the act by a cult. ***DM NOTE*** - *Perhaps they want him gone after creating their messiah?* | | 4-6 | **Hell hath no Fury** |Uh, turns out they were *married!* The spouse of the latest conquest is out for revenge. Roll a d6 for 1-2 **Marked**, 3-4 **Cursed** or 5-6 **Hunted**. | | 7-9 | **Well, that was a workout...** |The **Bard** has 1 level of exhaustion, -2 Initiative for d4 in game days. Long rests will reset the Exhaustion but not the modifier. | | 10-12 | **'Tis but a scratch** |The **Bard** is a bit tender after last night. For 24 hours, a +1 added to all DMG they take. | | 13-15 | **Thief!** |The conquest is gone in the morning, as well as one item removed from the **Bard**'s inventory (rolled at random) and 3d6 GP. ***DM NOTE*** - *Possible Plot hook for SQ.* | | 16-18 | **Where am I?** |The **Bard** wakes up outside of town, naked and hungover. All items and gold are still in their room, with a note - **DM**'s choice for note content. | | 19-21 | **Sniff...ugh...** |**Bard** make a DC15 Constitution saving throw and gets a head cold on a failure, which passes after d4 days. Disadvantage on Stealth, Persuasion and Charisma checks during that time, cos *Sneezy-Face*.| | 22-24 | **What did we do last night?** |The **Bard** got so rowdy, the person renting them the room refuses to let them have the room again. DC15 Persuasion check to allow d4 nights rent after this. Double rate for damages incurred on first night after this event, unless a NAT20 passes the DC. | | 25-26| **For me? You shouldn't have!** |A present (of the **DM**'s choice) is left in the morning at the inns front desk for the **Bard**. no more than 20GP in value.| | 27-30 | **Did they even bathe?** |Roll twice on the **STI** list. 50GP per 'cure', available only at Apothecaries. ***DM NOTE*** - *Depending on town size for if you decide there is someone there who can supply a cure. I generally use Apothecaries and unless otherwise stated in the town description they are only in Cities, not smaller towns, villages and hamlets. Your setting may say otherwise, of course!*| | 31-33| **Big Spender** |Conquest is actually a Noble slumming it. The **Bard** goes shopping with them the next day for 2 uncommon items or one rare item, valued at less than 500GP apiece. If in a small village or town that may not have expensive shiny's, give them a "Distinctive Necklace" worth 500GP. ***DM NOTE*** - *Perhaps a town over, the* **Bard** *spots many men/women wearing the same necklace? eh? EH?* | | 34-36| **Spurned lover** |The **Bard** kicks the conquest out immediately after the act. Upset, they tell the local law that the **Bard** is a **DM** appropriate bad guy. The Law follow the Party's every move while in their jurisdiction, and the **Bard** in particular. Disadvantage on rolls that break Local Law, **Hunted** (option 1) if a fail occurs.| </div> \pagebreakNum <div class='wide'> | Roll | Effect| Description | |:------:|:------------:|:-----:| | 37-39| **Why is this happening?** |During the act the **Bard** was unknowingly **Cursed**. **DM NOTE** - *Plot hook hunting down the possible culprit, maybe?* | | 40-42 | **Clingy, much?** | The conquest begins to follow the **Bard** around. Great, an orbiter... or new lackey? | | 43-45 | **Fairly average** |Stock standard shag, nothing more nothing less. | | 46-48 | **No, I didn't... did I?** |Wake up hungover with no memory of the night's shenanigans, and not just the conquest but the *Innkeeper* in your bed. Worse if the Innkeep is married, eh? If they are, that's a **Marked.** | | #49-51 | **Untie me!** | Kinky fun turned robbery, the conquest tied up the **Bard** to the bed, then made off with all their coin, leaving a 'Do not Disturb' sign on the door. ***DM NOTE*** - *Let the* **Bard** *know to keep quiet about it (via note to player) so the party comes up to investigate where they are, initiating a possible PH/SQ for recovery of coin or sweet vengance!* | |#52-54 | **Wasn't me, I swear!** |The conquest believes the **Bard** robbed them in the past, and was using the act to get them alone. 1v1 Combat Encounter, unless Persuaded efficiently - **DM**'s discretion for result.| | 55-57 | **Hmm, something ain't right...** |Roll once on the **STI list**. 50GP per 'Cure', available only at Apothecaries. ***DM NOTE*** - *Depending on town size for if you decide there is someone who can supply a cure. I generally use Apothecaries and unless otherwise stated in the town description they are only in Cities, not smaller towns, villages and hamlets. Your setting may say otherwise, of course!*| | 58-60 | **Fancy meeting you here!** | Roll again - ***DM Note*** - *Make note of this PC and when applicable - also if the games timeline fits - have them always at a Tavern when the Bard PC enters from now on, ignoring rolls that would kill/vanish the NPC.* | | #61-63 | **So... wanna keep this party going?** | Make the conquest try to recruit the **Bard** to a Hedonistic orgy in a weeks time elsewhere. ***DM NOTE*** - *Possible Hedonistic Patron/Cult SQ/PH introduction, or just a good old fashioned gangbang, and more BFT rolls either way. If the **Bard** turns their back if a Cult is mentioned, they are **Hunted** by said Cult (option 3)*. | | 64-66 | **Is that permanent?** |Someone got blackout drunk and let the Conquest - a tattooist - leave their mark on the PC. ***DM NOTE*** - *Perhaps leave it bandaged so the player can come up with a description later. Always best to let them describe it either way, not you.* | | #67-69 | **It's Zeus Time** |Turns out your conquest was actually the God of Love/Lust/Debauchery etc. Who knew? ***DM Note*** - *Flavour fodder, up to you if you'd RP this immediately or save it for a SQ/PH later.* | | #70-72 | **Coming or Going?** |Conquest is found dead the next morning, in the **Bard**'s bed, wearing nothing but a smile and no obvious injuries or signs of death. What happened? | | 73-75 | **PREGANANANT?** |*Female*: Auto-pregnant, no **complication**.<br>*Male*: Knocks em up, no **complication**. ***DM NOTE*** - *Roll d6 for odds/evens for eventual boy/girl and single/twins, make note of the date and reveal 1 month for female PCs, and whenever thematically appropriate for male PCs.* | | #76-78 | **Who** ***was*** **that?** | In the morning, the conquest is gone, and the **Bard** is summoned to the nearest Guard captain immediately. Seems the Law wants them, and you are **Hunted** for d6 days until/unless cleared of any involvement in whatever they were doing. ***DM NOTE*** - *This is a good way to intro a Cult/bad organisation.* |79-81 | **Now what...** | Roll *twice* on the BFT! C'mon, triple **STI**... |82-84 | **Mind. Blown.** | They were so good in bed, you get an Inspiration point, the effects of a long rest and +1 bonus to attack rolls for the next 24 hours! |85-87 | **...Really?** | Conquest sucked in the bedroom, but thought they were the bomb. They also are having breakfast with the **Bard** and their party in the morning. ***DM NOTE*** - *Flavour for some funny RP, really. Good one for a laugh before setting out.* |88-90 | **You ruined it!** | In the throes of last nights fun times, you broke something valuable to them... and they demand the **Bard** have it fixed before they leave town. If refused, the **Bard** is (d6 odds or evens) **Marked** or **Cursed**. |#91-93 | **Kidnapped!** | The **Bard** is drugged in their sleep and taken elsewhere overnight, to be ransomed off to their rich party. Shouldn't have flashed all that gold around... |94-96|**Sorry I'm Late!** | The **Bard** cannot accompany the party on things until later in the day, as they were up all night and slept right through. The party simply cannot wake them if they try. Roll 1d6+10 for the waking hour of the **Bard**. |97-99|**You're chirpy today...** | +2 Initiative/CHA for 24 hours. The **Bard** had such a good time last night, they are positively brimming with good vibes. |#100 | **Obsession.** | Forms an immutable bond with the conquest, and naturally the conquest is long gone by morning, so the **Bard** simply *must* find them ASAP. The **Bard** cannot gain positive results from the BFT until they meet again. ***DM NOTE*** - *Good PH/SQ/Character Arc (CA) for a love interest... or a Stalking victim. Feed tidbits of information when you feel the need.* </div> \pagebreakNum <div class='wide'> # BFT Effects First, regarding Pregnancy in the game: **This can be completely optional and should be discussed with the party in session 0**, but I generally don't myself, as my regular players know my campaigns are essentially free-for-all '*fuck around and find out*' type of Sandboxes, not to mention they can add fantastic and tear-jerking plot points to a campaign - my latest one ended up having the Bard's child stolen away by a Mini-BBEG, time travel stuff happened and she came back as a *brainwashed* Mini-BBEG the party had to face off with, like that whingy kid in the TV show 'Angel'. <br>Nonetheless, there are rules - like [right here](https://homebrewery.naturalcrit.com/share/Syr-PgA7HM) - that are drawn up for this that you can use, but for the chaos of unpredictability, I do a d20 DC10 CON + Modifier pass (Male) vs CON + Modifier fail (Female). If the two involved are aiming to reproduce then **Advantage** for the **Male** and **Disadvantage** for the **Female**. If a 'Contraception' is used - be it a magic birth control *Potion of No'Kidd* or equivalent in your setting - then it's a **Disadvantage** roll for the **Male** and **Advantage** roll for the **Female** . *Example A* - The **Bard** snags himself a Waitress downstairs, she goes upstairs with him after closing. She has run out of *No'Kidd Potion* so both will roll standard. He has a +2 CON mod and rolls a 13, for 15 total. She also has a +2 CON mod, but rolls a 7 for a total of 9.<br> *Boom*, knocked up Bar Wench. <br> *Example B* - Lets say the Waitress didn't forget her *Potion of No'Kidd* this time, so the **Bard** will roll at disadvantage, the Waitress at Advantage. He rolls a 2 and a 12 (fail on 4, with his +2 CON Mod) and she rolls a 10 and an 11 (pass on 13 with her +2 CON Mod).<br> Fail from him, pass from her... *No'Kidd*. <br> Of course its your game so do what you want with it: the gritty realism of the link up there, or math rocks-clickety-clack you're knocked up now. But thats not why this Table exists: I'm just explaining myself as to what can be done - and what I do - *outside* this table involving pregnancy, if you follow. Also, in case the BFT results in a pregnant **Bard** or regular DMPC, you have a guideline! # Pregnancy <br>If a character falls pregnant, the following table should help DM's narrative of conditions. </div> <div class='wide'> | Trimester | Effect| Description| |:---------:|:------:|:-----:| |**First (1-3 months)**| *+1 PP, d20 (DC10 pass) for +1 Exhaustion* | Physically, not much is different, apart from the vomit and mood swings. <br>**Nausea**: When the character eats, if a d20 (DC10) isn't passed the meal is thrown up. *Note: could be a good way to seed the idea of a pregnancy with the players ;)*<br>**Mood**: Stressful situations may cause the PC to switch moods abruptly. *Note: this is purely for RP, but I roll a d6 with Anger being odds and Sadness being evens.* | |**Second (4-6 months)**|*+1 STR/CHA Checks, +1 AC, -1 WIS/INT Checks, walking speed reduced by 5ft*| The character starts feeling better, and is positively glowing! Bit ditzy though, and their ankles are *so swollen!*<br>**Cravings**: At the end of a long rest, character will roll 2 d6's - one d6 for 1 sweet, 2 bitter, 3 sour, 4 salty, 5 meaty, and 6 spicy with the second d6 equaling amount of days. This is their craving for that period of time.<br>**Concentration**: Disadvantage on Concentration saves for active spells. This has no effect if the PC/NPC's **Cravings** are satisfied. | |**Third (7-9 Months)**| *Disadvantage to DEX Checks, +1 AC, Walking speed reduced by 15ft*| Getting close now, and definitely showing! Protecting the unborn child is second nature now.<br> **Frantic Defense**: Advantage on 1 AC or DEX check/save per turn, of the characters choice when to use. | The extra AC in the second and third Trimester is to represent the pregnant character defending their stomach more fervently, and maybe even some custom armour for that growing belly, eh? At 80+1d10 days, their water breaks and pop goes the weasel-baby. </div> \pagebreakNum # Complications <div class='wide'> After all, the real world is full of them, but the **Complications** easy enough; there's exactly two I use. Roll a d6, 1-3 for 'option A', 4-6 for 'option B'.<br> **OPTION A**: Once the third Trimester of pregnancy hits, every failed save or check the pregnant **Bard** takes adds to a cumulative chance of their water breaking, counting down from 90 - the three months til full term. They get hit 8 times in the last combat, they are sitting at 82. Back in town, they try to haggle with a Shopkeep and fail the Persuasion check, its at 81. So on and so forth til you hit 0. If this is before the 80+1d10 time specified earlier for Full Term Pregnancy... Guess who's coming and not taking no for an answer, even if you are in the middle of combat?<br> **OPTION B**: No, it's not the M word. I don't play that way.<br> Every time **any** type of encounter starts that could ***potentially*** cause harm to the pregnant **Bard**, said **Bard** must pass a DC15 WIS check. This represents their budding Maternal Instinct, thinking to themselves... '*Should I really risk this and possibly harm my child?*'<br> If they fail, they cannot advance closer to the threat, and must retreat to a minimum 50ft from the threat. At the end of each turn, the DC15 WIS can be attempted again, effectively psyching themselves up to help their Party in battle. <br>That's it, not the direction you thought I was going, eh? </div> # Marked <div class='wide'> *Is everyone giving me the stinkeye, or is it just me...?*<br> If a roll results in the **Marked** condition, this will make the Marked **Bard** (**MB**) more recognisable to everyone that roll refers to. <br> Example - the **Bard** picked up in a small town's Tavern, went upstairs for some fun, then rolled a 5 total on the BFT ('*Hell hath no Fury*' event) and *then* rolled a 2, becoming **Marked**. In this context, people in town know the spouse of your conquest, and will spurn the **MB** in some way - the general store may not sell the **MB** any goods but will happily serve the rest of the party, or someone in the tavern may go get the conquest's burly Spouse, and you got a brawl ready to roll the second you show your face.<br> Note that effects relate to the size of the location: Shagging the local innkeepers wife in a village of 40 people would have a more detrimental and quicker knock-on effect than if it was in a city of 30,000 people, right? </div> <div class='wide'> Roll a d6, and check what happens below! | Roll | Effect | Description | |:----:|:-----:|:----------:| |1 | **Shame**! | Disadvantage on all CHA based checks in the location for d6 weeks by the **MB**. | |2 | **Got my eye on you...** | Disadvantage on DEX based checks in the location for d6 weeks by the **MB**. | |#3 | **Put 'em up!** | Before the party leaves town, set up a CR adequate encounter with the Conquests Spouse - and maybe a few of their friends - deciding whether to make it lethal (stabby stabby) or non-lethal (punchy punchy) beforehand. *Note: Jazz it up! Maybe the spouse is captain of a local guard? And the* **MB** *just shagged the Partner of a heavily armed and trained person...*| |4 | **Combo breaker** | Have the conquests love interest bust in the room during the act, ending the relationship in tears. Naturally the conquest will flee the room after them, leaving the Tavern (and a day later, the townsfolk if a small town) disgusted in the **MB**. | |5 |**Embargo**| Anyone involving in commerce will simply refuse to do business with the **MB**, and if a failed Persuasion check of DC15 is made to convince them otherwise, the party - by association - gets no hospitality, either. | |6 | **They were MINE!** | Turns out the conquest was being eyed off by the local bad guy, and they feel a bit.. slighted. For the next d20 days the **MB** will encounter daily thieves/Cultists/Bandits etc etc. ***DM NOTE*** - *Good way to bring in some outlaw/Cult factions if you haven't already, or flesh out the ones you have.* </div> \pagebreakNum # Cursed <div class='wide'> Now, lets get spooky: If a roll results in the **Cursed** condition, it will be some form of supernatural detriment to the Character from actions they have taken beforehand, and only them. <br> Example - The **Bard** rolls an 89 total (The "*You ruined it!*" event) and accidentally ripped the conquests favorite bracelet off their arm, breaking it. Naturally after the fact they may want the **Bard** to fix it, or at least pay to get it fixed. 'Pfft...no, lol' says the **Bard**. The conquest gets more insistent, til eventually they curse you out, stomping out of the room and away. The **Bard** thinks nothing of it... until they suddenly become very unlucky. The **Cursed Bard** (**CB**) can have it lifted by the usual ways; the 'Remove Curse' Spell, getting the person who cursed them to retract it, Expensive Elixirs... I also suggest killing the person who cursed the character, just for some MurderHobo vibes. <br> Roll a d6, and check what happens below! |Roll| Effect| Description| |:----:|--------|:-------:| |1| **So hungry**...| *The* **CB** *begins eating and just cant stop, not even to rest.*<br>Every 3 in game hours the **CB** must eat 1 ration or meal equivalent, and cannot get the benefits of a long rest, only a short rest. This will *not* add Exhaustion as per RaW.| |2| **My Beautiful face!!!** | *The* **CB** *has warts, boils, scabs et al. appear all over their skin at a slow but steady rate, completely covering their skin in 4d4 days.*<br>-2 CHA based checks. |3|**Unlucky, aint'cha!** | *It seems the* **CB** *can't catch a break, can they...*<br> -2 to **all checks and saves** until the **CB** has the curse lifted. |4| **Things always happen in 3's!**| *It's like the world is out to get the* **CB**, *sometimes.*<br>At the start of every day, the DM rolls 3d12 and records the results. Every third roll the **CB** makes, the DM substitutes it with one of their results (lowest to highest, representing their bad luck) overriding the player's dice until the DM's results are used up. Resets on Long rest until the Curse is lifted. |5| **You are pure Trash!**| *For some reason, the* **CB** *smells disgusting for ten minutes once a day.* <br> DM rolls 2d12 to note the hour, and when it hits said hour, everyone within 10 feet of the **CB** must make a DC15 WIS save or be **Poisoned** for one hour. |6| **You can't SEE THAT?**| *The* **CB** *is stalked by an imp, who simply follows them, saying nothing, always staring.* <br> No one else can see the imp, unless they have **Truesight**. </div> # Hunted <div class='wide'> Now you've done it, gone and pissed off the wrong people. They want you now. If you're lucky, it'll be alive. <br>If a roll results in the **Hunted** condition, the **Hunted Bard** (**HB**) is doggedly pursued by a known - or even unknown - faction. This will also affect the Party by proxy, depending on their timing. ***DM NOTE*** - * if a 1-3 is rolled on the BFT* ("The Hunt Begins" *Event*) *this will have to be fleshed out fairly well, as it will be a long running event - 9 Months in-game at max length. The other options are merely suggestions for length of effect, and it's up to the DM's discretion to lengthen or shorten the **Hunted** status.* Also, if a Male **Bard** knocks someone up without knowing about it, the DM - at their discretion - can use option 4 of the table as a 'Guess whos gunna be a dad?' announcement. <BR><BR> Example - The **Bard** picks up a handsome young lad, and disappears into the bushes for a quick romp, rolling a 2 total on the BFT (*"The Hunt Begins"* event). A month later, word reaches her that the man was found dead, sacrificed in the Forest. On top of that, even though they drank their *Potion of No'Kidd* like always the **HB** is *sure* she is pregnant. She goes to have it magically terminated by a Sorcerer just outside of town. They say to return tomorrow so they can prepare... only for the **HB** to find them the next day with a curved dagger bearing a unique symbol on the hilt, driven through each of the Sorcerer's eyes, and a note saying "Do not attempt that again, or more will die." Frantic now, the **HB** tries to buy a potion to do the job. The shopkeeper flatly refuses to sell her one, citing "It is against (insert God name)'s will to stock such things." As the shopkeep turns to address another patron, the **HB** notices the same symbol on a piece of paper, sticking out of a notebook behind the shopkeep's counter. <br><BR> I know that was a bit of a lengthy one compared to the other two... but I wrote it as such to express the sheer potential of a gripping, tension laden story arc it can make. Of course, not all would be comfortable with this kinda story, so I repeat: **This can be completely optional and should be discussed with the party in session 0**. I mean, it's a 1 in 34 chance of getting it (higher if you roll the d20 with the d100 like I mentioned) but that is still a chance of it happening. If you as DM or the Players dont want it, simply fudge the roll and pick something else. </div> \pagebreakNum <div class='wide'> Roll a d6, and check what happens below! |Roll| Effect| Description| |:----:|--------|:-------:| |1|**I fought the Law...**| *Ooooooh, the* **HB** *stuffed up big time and shagged the child of someone with clout!*<br> For the next d6 Weeks, local law enforcement are looking for the **HB** to bring them forward to their Governor. |#2|**Preeeeyyyy...**| *By Tiamat's tits and teeth, who did you piss off to get these things after you,* **HB**?<br> For the next d6 weeks, 3d4 Packs of Dopplegangers, looking like the **HB** and grinning maniacally, have only one goal: Find and kill the **HB**. Start one group in the town you rolled this event, and give the players/**HB** a 5 day head start. Then, let em loose. The other Packs, start them - also with a 5 day delay - in randomised Cities of your choice, always moving towards the **HB**. ***DM NOTE*** - *Might have to play with the CR or stats a bit, depending on what level this option drops in your campaign. Timing for the encounters may be a bit tricky to determine realistically, but trust; ain't nothing better than the Party randomly getting attacked by 'em when they feel safe. |#3|**Cult Following**| *The* **HB** *really annoyed someone with a non-mainstream religion*...<br> A cult is after you for the next d6 Weeks, with intent to kidnap the **HB** and sacrifice them. ***DM NOTE*** - *If this has been triggered via the "Hunt Begins" event on the BFT and the* **HB** *is female, the Cult will hinder every opportunity the* **HB** *makes to not have the child. At 8 Months the Cult will kidnap* **HB**, *if they havent been foiled. If it's a Male* **HB**, *then add Cultists to random encounters with a heavy weight, leaving breadcrumbs as to their identity as a whole for a PH/SQ/CA.* |#4|**Preferably Alive**| *Bounty Hunters do their job well, and there are a few after the* **HB**, *now*.<br>d3 Bounty Hunters deployed to find, capture and take the **HB** back somewhere. ***DM NOTE*** - *This is a great PH set up. Maybe the father of a girl the **Bard** knocked up paid for the Bounty, wanting the* **HB** *to come back and face the music. Or even further down the track, they are chasing Alimony Payments for a litter of young'ns. Possibilities are truly endless.* |5|**Coin or blood, I dont care.**| *Seems someone had ties to the Underground, and is now targeting the* **HB**.<br> For d6 weeks, send some Hired Goons (hired gooons?) at the **HB**. Weigh them heavier in town encounters of ill repute, or larger cities with plenty of back alleys. |6| **NOW it's a Party!**| *It truly boggles the mind how the* **Bard** *can stir up this much trouble*.<br> Roll **twice**, and combine both factions in their pursuit. If another 6 is rolled, re-roll it till a choice presents itself. ***DM NOTE*** - *Can set up some inter-faction wars this way too, add some dynamic power struggles into your world as the* **HB** *and party watch on, maybe even getting involved!* </div> # STI's <div class='wide'> Finally, the icky stuff. Well, more... humourous than icky; the aim here is to give RP 'quirks' as magical **STI**'s. I mean, everybody shagging in a magical environment, gotta be some sort of crossover weird shit, right?<br>Look, I won't lie: My original **STI** list WAS icky, drippy and gross... but it's long gone, being on paper and all I lost it somewhere, possibly never to be found. If, by some miraculous twist of fate I *do* find it again, Ill update the BFT with it. These new ones (some are mine that I can remember, some borrowed from a DM mate, others tweaked from what I found online) can also be substituted in-game as standard diseases. <BR><BR> Any time a **Bard** does the deed in game and rolls on the BFT, keep an eye on that d20 you roll as well - the one to add to their roll for randomisation, yeah? If it is a NAT1, the **Bard** just got an **STI**. If a NAT1 coincides with an Event that states they *already* get an **STI**, ignore the NAT1 and just add it as usual for BFT total.<br> <BR><BR> Example - The **Bard** has themselves a good ol' time with the Blacksmith's twin daughters - we've all been there amirite. The **Bard** rolls a 45, which would be the "*Fairly Average*" Event. But you rolled a NAT1 on your D20, so it would be a total of 46, triggering the "*No I didn't...did I?*" Event, and also a roll on the **STI** list for the NAT1. So, the **Bard** now has *THREE* people in their bed, and depending on the leadup, a possibly pissed off Innkeepers Spouse downstairs, *and* an **STI** on top of that. Fun times.<br> <BR><BR> Roll a d10 this time, and check what happens below! </div> \pagebreakNum <div class='wide'> |Roll| Name| Incubation| Description| |:----:|:--------|:-------|:------:| |1|**Laughing Malady**| 1d6 days| *What's so funny,* **Bard**?<br>For the next 2d4 weeks, the **Bard** is prone to outbursts of laughter whenever they interact with someone. If any checks involving NPC interaction are a fail, the **Bard** must awkwardly burst out laughing. |2|**Muckrun Fever**| 1d4 days|*Hey* **Bard**, *you ain't looking too good.*<br>The **Bard** feels perpetually cold even though they are sweating profusely, and should chatter their teeth on occasion to reflect this. For the next 2d6 days the **Bard** has Disadvantage on CON and Stealth checks. |3|#**Wulfen Simplex**| Next full Moon| *Guys, the **Bard** is eating a lot of meat recently... anyone else notice that?*<br>The **Bard** has +1 STR per full Moon, but can only eat meat to satisfy hunger. Details expanded below this table. |4|**Fire Crotch**| 1d4 Days| *Bloody hell* **Bard**, *I didn't mean for you to start a fire like THAT!*<br>The **Bard** pisses fire, and can even weaponise it... with side effects of course. Details expanded below this table. |5|**Lover's Lament**| 2d6 days| *Where are you getting all this money from,* **Bard**?<br>The **Bard** is a Carrier for this **STI**, and essentially paralyses anyone having sex with them for 1d4 hours, the **Bard**'s lowered Strength and Constitution is the only other sign of this **STI**.<br>-2 CHA/STR. |6|**FrogTongue**| 1d4 Days| *Seems the* **Bard** *finally shut up for once!*<br>over 1d4 days The **Bard**'s tongue becomes malleable and sticky, like a ball of taffy, and the **Bard** gradually loses the ability to pronounce words and enunciate. At its most advanced stages, the tongue can be protruded and retracted exactly as a frog's tongue (5ft reach), and the afflicted loses the ability to speak. ***DM NOTE*** - *doesn't affect Grung characters, but if the* **Bard** *shags one, it's an auto-contraction of this* **STI**. |7|**Blood Fungus**|1 month| *Gimme some space*, **Bard**, *really!*<br>A parasitic mushroom spread by internal contact with spores, Blood Fungus grows mycelium throughout the body, feeding on the nutrients passed through the digestive tract and blood stream while rapidly rebuilding damaged tissue. After incubation, the mycelium will flower, bursting small fruiting-body stalks the size of an index finger from the skin along the afflicted's appendages, which flower in a day and quickly begin to release spores.<br> -1 WIS, +1 STR and Hit Die, but the **Bard** cannot physically move further than 30ft away from another character or suffer 2d4 Psychic DMG per minute. |8|**Pixie Pox**| 1 day| **Bard**, *is that you making that sound?*<br>Your junk is covered in small, itchy pustules that emit a quiet 'tinkling' sound when you scratch them, or they rub against any object or material such as walking with pants on. Disadvantage on stealth checks against creatures less than 20 feet from you. |9|**Taint Burn**| 1d4 days| *Why does the* **Bard** *wince everytime they sit down?*<br> The **Bard**'s nether regions burn horridly, always spreads from back to front. **Bard**'s with this **STI** will always experience pain sitting down, taking 1d4 damage when doing so. |10|**Brothel's Bonus**| N/A| Roll *twice* on this table. If another 10 is rolled, re-roll it till a choice presents itself. ***Extended Details*** - Didn't want to clutter up the table with too much details, so putting the extra bits and bobs down here. **Fire Crotch**: The **Bard** can urinate a stream of fire for 18 seconds (3 rounds) with 5ft reach, dealing 1d6 fire DMG to anything in the way. The downside is it causes 1d6 Fire DMG *to* the **Bard** as well, due to the pain being excruiciating... Unless you have Fire Resistance, then its only half DMG. Tiefling, Fire Genasi and Fire based Homebrew races are exempt from the 'Blowback' DMG. <br><BR> **Wulfen Simplex**: Think of this as Lycanthropy lite. The **Bard** becomes slightly hairier; not full body thick pelt, just... thicker hair on top, arm hair, chest hair and the like. They also cannot be satiated by a meal unless it is predominately meat. Any Perception checks involving sound or smell, the **Bard** gets Advantage on. Likewise, their PP gets a +1, and the aforementioned STR bonuses up there.<br> <BR> Sounds good, eh? Well, here's the downside of Wulfen Simplex - and where the extra work from the DM comes in: Every Full Moon, a DC15 WIS save must be made or its Werewolf mode for the **Bard** - It's up to the DM how you want to flavour this... full tranformation or (my preference tbh) just pointy teeth, clawed fingernails and wolf eyes . The **Bard** will keep their original Statblock (with the +1/2 STR Bonus) but will act like a Werewolf, going after livestock or people with no choice but to feed and kill until daybreak and they revert back to normal. If a kill is made, this **STI** is now considered a **Curse**. Naturally this will bring some unwanted attention... but also attention from *actual* Werewolves. A **Bard** will be **Hunted** by 1d4 Pack of Werewolves after their first transformation until proven to be cured of **Wulfen Simplex**. To make matters worse, if the **Bard** isn't cured by their third transformation, they will have permanent Lycanthropy. </div> \pagebreakNum # Conclusion <div class='wide'> And that's it folks, the BFT in its entirety! Feel free to throw suggestions, comments, errata (I suck at proof-reading) at me on Reddit, where you'll find this posted in \r\BehindTheTables over [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BehindTheTables/comments/115z4wl/the_bard_fuckery_table/?). <br> Hope this list serves you well, Cheers! </div>