You have all had one at your table: The Horny Bard. Sure, its good for a laugh or two, but when they try to shag the Guard Captain for the 10th time in a hub town, it gets old and, frankly, boring. This changes that.

Introducing the BFT - or the Bard Fuckery Table. Within, you'll find real world consequences for the Bard (or character) that just wants to bone. Some are pretty harsh, others annoying. I almost guarantee that if the character doesn't slow their roll after this a few times, the party will do the cockblocking for them, which can lead to some fantastic RP moments. Or they can speed it up and get knocked up with a nasty Mini-BBEG following the party.

Its not all negative of course: some shoot off into plot hooks that you can run encounters from.
I recommend (and personally roll) a d20 as they roll a d100 and add your amount to theirs when consulting the BFT, if the Bard/Party is prolific in the activity. Keeps it... unpredictable that way, y'know? Discuss with the Player if they are playing a Non-Binary PC, 'cos some of the results will depend on how the player presents their Character in game.

The description will direct the DM's narrative. Some descriptions have further info in bold which will be listed under the BFT. If the roll needs extra info passed on to the character, try and do so without the other players knowledge for fun RP times. Oh, and this can also be used as a 'Sexy shenanigans' Table too, so everyone can cop the fun!

But please, do read through this thing first in its entirety to see if you want to use this at your table, 'cos my original version is over 25 years old, some options ain't for everyone and others need a touch of pre-planning by the DM beforehand - I marked those with a #. There's also some tables under the BFT you might want to use separately, and finally, you may have to tweak some Events on the fly if its two PC's doing the shagging. For the purposes of the list, you may want to designate just one PC as the Bard.

The person being affected will be referred to as the Bard for the purposes of these lists, m'kay?

After all, the real world is full of them, but the Complications easy enough; there's exactly two I use. Roll a d6, 1-3 for 'option A', 4-6 for 'option B'.

OPTION A: Once the third Trimester of pregnancy hits, every failed save or check the pregnant Bard takes adds to a cumulative chance of their water breaking, counting down from 90 - the three months til full term. They get hit 8 times in the last combat, they are sitting at 82. Back in town, they try to haggle with a Shopkeep and fail the Persuasion check, its at 81. So on and so forth til you hit 0. If this is before the 80+1d10 time specified earlier for Full Term Pregnancy... Guess who's coming and not taking no for an answer, even if you are in the middle of combat?

OPTION B: No, it's not the M word. I don't play that way.

Every time any type of encounter starts that could potentially cause harm to the pregnant Bard, said Bard must pass a DC15 WIS check. This represents their budding Maternal Instinct, thinking to themselves... 'Should I really risk this and possibly harm my child?'

If they fail, they cannot advance closer to the threat, and must retreat to a minimum 50ft from the threat. At the end of each turn, the DC15 WIS can be attempted again, effectively psyching themselves up to help their Party in battle.

That's it, not the direction you thought I was going, eh?

Is everyone giving me the stinkeye, or is it just me...?

If a roll results in the Marked condition, this will make the Marked Bard (MB) more recognisable to everyone that roll refers to.
Example - the Bard picked up in a small town's Tavern, went upstairs for some fun, then rolled a 5 total on the BFT ('Hell hath no Fury' event) and then rolled a 2, becoming Marked. In this context, people in town know the spouse of your conquest, and will spurn the MB in some way - the general store may not sell the MB any goods but will happily serve the rest of the party, or someone in the tavern may go get the conquest's burly Spouse, and you got a brawl ready to roll the second you show your face.

Note that effects relate to the size of the location: Shagging the local innkeepers wife in a village of 40 people would have a more detrimental and quicker knock-on effect than if it was in a city of 30,000 people, right?

Roll a d6, and check what happens below!

Now, lets get spooky: If a roll results in the Cursed condition, it will be some form of supernatural detriment to the Character from actions they have taken beforehand, and only them.
Example - The Bard rolls an 89 total (The "You ruined it!" event) and accidentally ripped the conquests favorite bracelet off their arm, breaking it. Naturally after the fact they may want the Bard to fix it, or at least pay to get it fixed. 'Pfft...no, lol' says the Bard. The conquest gets more insistent, til eventually they curse you out, stomping out of the room and away. The Bard thinks nothing of it... until they suddenly become very unlucky.

The Cursed Bard (CB) can have it lifted by the usual ways; the 'Remove Curse' Spell, getting the person who cursed them to retract it, Expensive Elixirs... I also suggest killing the person who cursed the character, just for some MurderHobo vibes.

Roll a d6, and check what happens below!

Now you've done it, gone and pissed off the wrong people. They want you now. If you're lucky, it'll be alive.
If a roll results in the Hunted condition, the Hunted Bard (HB) is doggedly pursued by a known - or even unknown - faction. This will also affect the Party by proxy, depending on their timing. DM NOTE - * if a 1-3 is rolled on the BFT* ("The Hunt Begins" Event) this will have to be fleshed out fairly well, as it will be a long running event - 9 Months in-game at max length. The other options are merely suggestions for length of effect, and it's up to the DM's discretion to lengthen or shorten the Hunted status. Also, if a Male Bard knocks someone up without knowing about it, the DM - at their discretion - can use option 4 of the table as a 'Guess whos gunna be a dad?' announcement.

Example - The Bard picks up a handsome young lad, and disappears into the bushes for a quick romp, rolling a 2 total on the BFT ("The Hunt Begins" event). A month later, word reaches her that the man was found dead, sacrificed in the Forest. On top of that, even though they drank their Potion of No'Kidd like always the HB is sure she is pregnant. She goes to have it magically terminated by a Sorcerer just outside of town. They say to return tomorrow so they can prepare... only for the HB to find them the next day with a curved dagger bearing a unique symbol on the hilt, driven through each of the Sorcerer's eyes, and a note saying "Do not attempt that again, or more will die." Frantic now, the HB tries to buy a potion to do the job. The shopkeeper flatly refuses to sell her one, citing "It is against (insert God name)'s will to stock such things." As the shopkeep turns to address another patron, the HB notices the same symbol on a piece of paper, sticking out of a notebook behind the shopkeep's counter.

I know that was a bit of a lengthy one compared to the other two... but I wrote it as such to express the sheer potential of a gripping, tension laden story arc it can make. Of course, not all would be comfortable with this kinda story, so I repeat: This can be completely optional and should be discussed with the party in session 0. I mean, it's a 1 in 34 chance of getting it (higher if you roll the d20 with the d100 like I mentioned) but that is still a chance of it happening. If you as DM or the Players dont want it, simply fudge the roll and pick something else.

Finally, the icky stuff. Well, more... humourous than icky; the aim here is to give RP 'quirks' as magical STI's. I mean, everybody shagging in a magical environment, gotta be some sort of crossover weird shit, right?
Look, I won't lie: My original STI list WAS icky, drippy and gross... but it's long gone, being on paper and all I lost it somewhere, possibly never to be found. If, by some miraculous twist of fate I do find it again, Ill update the BFT with it. These new ones (some are mine that I can remember, some borrowed from a DM mate, others tweaked from what I found online) can also be substituted in-game as standard diseases.

Any time a Bard does the deed in game and rolls on the BFT, keep an eye on that d20 you roll as well - the one to add to their roll for randomisation, yeah? If it is a NAT1, the Bard just got an STI. If a NAT1 coincides with an Event that states they already get an STI, ignore the NAT1 and just add it as usual for BFT total.


Example - The Bard has themselves a good ol' time with the Blacksmith's twin daughters - we've all been there amirite. The Bard rolls a 45, which would be the "Fairly Average" Event. But you rolled a NAT1 on your D20, so it would be a total of 46, triggering the "No I didn't...did I?" Event, and also a roll on the STI list for the NAT1. So, the Bard now has THREE people in their bed, and depending on the leadup, a possibly pissed off Innkeepers Spouse downstairs, and an STI on top of that. Fun times.


Roll a d10 this time, and check what happens below!

And that's it folks, the BFT in its entirety! Feel free to throw suggestions, comments, errata (I suck at proof-reading) at me on Reddit, where you'll find this posted in \r\BehindTheTables over here.
Hope this list serves you well, Cheers!