Introduction

"In the case of the baby, the test results are in and you are...!" is a very silly adventure designed for 4 level 1 adventurers. It is designed with speed and brevity in mind and should be able to completed in about 2-3 hours. To help support the silly theme, the adventure plays like an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess or Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

Synopsis

On the way to a celebration at a Temple of Aphrodite, the party stumbles upon a crowd. There they find two very attractive people fighting in the middle of the crowd: Ares and Athena. Between them is a woman who is clearly in the late stages of her pregnancy. Ares and Athena reveal they're in the midst of arguing who is the rightful parent of the child. After a silly conversation, the two gods reveal that the best way to handle this situation is with a game of "Gauntlet", whereby two parties of "heroes" traverse each other god's labyrinth. At the end, both teams are marked as either winners or losers by their chosen god. Lastly, the adventure ends on a cliffhanger as the poor woman gives birth to a happy, healthy baby - with gold eyes and wings. Aphrodite appears and seems shocked.

The Hook

Let the players know that they are on the way to the Temple of Aphrodite for a huge celebration. In general, there's much food, drink, and overall merriment to be had - and for those who have a bit more of a dour attitude, plenty of opportunity to "network". If you have set the stage that this is meant to be a light-hearted adventure, most players should be happy to play along. Should they resist, feel free to let them know a potential employer is waiting for them there: a dangerous woman known only as Callisto.

Ch.1: Mother Knows Nothing

Let the party know that today is an exciting day as they're going to reach the small town where a temple of Aphrodite resides. They'll be able to kick off their shoes and tomorrow, start this party off right!

However, as they approach, describe to them the following:

Outside the Temple of Aphrodite

Although you see plenty of people starting the festivities off right, it becomes quickly apparent that a crowd has gathered around the town's fountain. From this distance, you can't quite make out what's at the center.

However, as you approach, you see two figures seemingly form out of mirages in your mind. The first is a tall, dark haired man with deep eyes. He's wearing a black leather vest, open to reveal a bare chest underneath. The other is a slightly shorter woman with hard, grey eyes and fiery red hair. She's dressed in particular leather armor.

Peering to the center of the crowd, you realize the two beautiful people are hotly arguing. Betwixt them is a woman on the ground. She's holding her clearly pregnant belly while stiffling back pain and, if you look close enough, intense annoyance.

"There is NO way the baby is yours!" shouts the handsome woman. "Oh, yeah? And do you even remember how many times you were with Calliope?" shouts back the sly man.

These two are Ares and Athena and neither is doing much to hide this fact. By the way they bicker, it is obvious that they are both claiming to be the woman's other parent with Calliope (the mother) left to endure as she holds back a pained expression on the ground.

If probed for information, all three are willing to give up the following:

• Calliope is not only a gifted warrior, but a brilliant tactician. She was granted leave from her lieutenant's duties while she gave birth and reared a child.
• Ares appeared to Calliope multiple times while she was on the field, drawn to her prowess in combat. He appeared to her as a dog, a boar, a helmet, a chariot, and a flaming torch.
• Athena too visited Calliope multiple times while she served, drawn to her calculating brilliance. She appeared to her as an owl, a basket, several snakes, a spear, and an olive tree.
  • If pressed for details, Calliope is a little hesitant to "kiss and tell". If the party truly wants the "dirty details", Calliope reveals that there wasn't necessarily physical intimacy. She just kind of was with them.
  • Ares and Athena will then say in unison, "God stuff". They both make air quotes with their hands.

Determine how much or little the players are getting out of this argument. Feel free to lean in and flesh out the gods to your taste (see below). Once you're satisfied, move on to Ch.2.

Ares, Douchebag of War

If you need a few hints on how to play Ares, keep in mind that he revels in chaos and conflict. When I run him, I like to make him a traditional dude-bro who's only interested in getting the D in the V, if you know what I mean. Up top!

I'll make it a point to always lean in when talking to the players and depending on the situation, I'll undo another button on my shirt to really make everyone uncomfortable.

A few phrases I'll use as Ares:

• All's fair in love and me.
• Chicks (and bros) dig it when you kill their loved ones and throw them in an unmarked grave.
• Hey, after this is done, how about I go ahead and annex your... <look the player up and down>.

Ch.2: When the Gauntlet Drops

Once it appears that he-says-she-says will not resolve this, read aloud the following:

Ch.3: Let's get ready to fumble!

Once the players have chosen the god they wish to represent, they are sent to the other god's gauntlet (e.g. if they represent Ares, they find themselves in Athena's gauntlet). Both gauntlets have the same basic layout but will specifically call out when there are differences by placing which gauntlet it is in.

To stay organized, make sure to note which god's gauntlet they're actually in as this document organizes details based on the locale, not who they represent. e.g. If they are sent to Athena's gauntlet, look for the bolded text Athena's Gauntlet. Use similar logic if they are sent to Ares' Gauntlet.

The Fire Guardian

At the snap of the gods' fingers, the party finds themselves somewhere underground (though they are truly in a pocket dimension so skills like stonecunning don't give no results or confusing/contradictory information). This seems to be a small lobby with only a single door leading out.

In Ares' Gauntlet, the sound of weapons landing and death cries can be heard in the distance, though you can't tell where it's coming from. This area is built out of rough, red bricks and every once and a while, you can smell blood.

In Athena's Gauntlet, the sound of swords clashing and arrows sinking into shields can be heard, though you can't tell where it's coming from. This area is built out of smooth marble stone. Every once and a while, you can smell sweat and old equipment.

In front of the door, there is a large golem. It is made from several large stones, poorly fit together. In the large cracks, you can clearly see red flames flickering inside. Its wrists, ankles, and neck are wrapped in brass rings. In a large booming voice it says, "WELCOME TO THE GAUNTLET. THE RULES ARE SIMPLE. CARRY THE SACRED FLAME TO THE END - ALIVE." The golem then extends a hand and offers a single torch wedged in crevasse.

"BEHOLD, THE FLAME OF WAR." Whoever takes it immediately feels an intense heat. However, as soon as the torch leaves the golem's hand, it settles to a normal flame.

"REMEMBER, SHOULD THE FLAME BE EXTINGUISHED, THE GAUNTLET IS FAILED.

The Water Room

The next room is fully lit. Feel free to share the battlemap with the party. Besides the stone walkways, the room is filled with water 8-10 feet deep (thus requiring a swim check to move faster than half movement).

The creatures on the map depend on which Gauntlet the characters are in.

In Ares' Gauntlet, the room is full of modified Sahuagin (see below). Describe them as wearing bronze helmets with metallic looking claws and teeth.

In Athena's Gauntlet, the room is full of modified Modrons (see below). Describe them as being metallic constructs carrying a bronze spear and a helmet, with fins and flippers made from stretched hide.

Lastly, make sure to note that there are several stone tiles in this room with a "wave pattern" on them. A Perception DC 14 check reveals that directly above each tile is a grating in the ceiling. These tiles are traps:

Wave Pattern Tile

When a creature steps on a tile, the trap is instantly triggered. A torrent of water comes rushing out from the ceiling. Creatures directly beneath the torrent must make a DC 14 Athletics check or be knocked prone. Creatures 5 feet away must also succeed a DC 10 Athletics check or be knocked prone.

Should a creature within 5 feet of the trap being set-off be carrying The Flame of War, the flame instantly dims and struggles to remain lit. Upon a second exposure to a trap like this, the flame is put-out.

Sahuagin Grunt

Medium, Chaotic Evil

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• Armor Class 12
• Hit Points 8
• Speed 30 ft / 40 ft swim

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STR	DEX	CON	INT	WIS	CHA
13 (+1)	10 (+0)	13 (+1)	8 (-1)	8 (-1)	12 (+1)

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• Saving Throws none
• Skills Athletics +1
• Damage Resistances Cold
• Senses Darkvision 60 ft
• Languages Sahuagin
• Challenge 1/8 (50 XP)

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Actions

Multiattack. A Sahuagin Grunt makes two claw attacks when using the Attack action.

Claws. Melee weapon attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft, one target. Hit: 3 (1d4+1) slashing damage.

Tactics

Sahuagin Grunts will try their best to gang up (at least 2) on party members. They can take advantage of the water with their swim speed and will have half-cover from ranged attacks (+2 AC, +2 Dexterity Saves). Attacking out of water gives the Sahuagin Grunt disadvantage.

What if the fire goes out?!

Should the flame go out in the last encounter (which is unlikely so long as the players clearly understood the guardian in the first room), nothing happens. Feel free to describe a sudden tense mood in the room, and feel free to make it cinematic (e.g. if there was a camera, the water dousing the flame is shown in slow motion and cuts to various "No!" expressions).

Players will likely reignite the torch which works and try to make it to the end of the gauntlet. Continue the adventure as normal but make a note of this for the finale (Ch.4).

The Final Guardian

After the enemies from the previous room at defeated, they enter what is clearly the last room of the gauntlet (there is no door leading out of it).

Read the following:

The Gauntlet Guardian

In the center of a 30-by-30 ft room, you spot an unlit clawfoot brazier with two ornate, brass bracelets lying next to it. Once you enter the room, the door behind you slams shut and the brazier lights itself. Suddenly and quickly, the flame grows larger and becomes a vague humanoid figure. The bracelets are filled with fiery limbs and soon you find yourself facing the Gauntlet's final challenge: a fiery elemental creature.

As this happens, the person holding the Flame of War quickly notices the flame has increased to twice the size and the heat is intense and blistering.

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Gauntlet Guardian

Large, Neutral

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• Armor Class 11
• Hit Points 40
• Speed 15 ft

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STR	DEX	CON	INT	WIS	CHA
19 (+4)	10 (+0)	16 (+3)	2 (-4)	13 (+1)	7 (-2)

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• Saving Throws none
• Skills Perception +3
• Damage Vulnerabilities cold
• Damage Resistances fire
• Condition Immunities Exhaustion, Grappled, Paralyzed, Petrified, Poisoned, Prone, Restrained, Unconscious
• Languages Ignan
• Challenge 1 (200 XP)

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Actions

Multiattack. The Gauntlet Guardian makes 2 touch attacks.

Touch. Melee weapon attack. +3 to hit, reach 5 ft, one target. Hit: 7 (1d8+3) fire damage.

Flame of War Affinity. At the start of the Gauntlet Guardian's turn, any creature holding the Flame of War must make a Dexterity DC 12 save or take 1d4 damage from the intensifying flame. Should the Flame of War be dropped and the Gauntlet Guardian able to pick it up, the Gauntlet Guardian gains 10 temporary HP and deals 1 fire damage to all creatures in the room on its turn.

When the Gauntlet Guardian dies, it releases a terrible, beastial roar and then snuffs out, leaving behind its bracelets (see Elemental Bindings below). After the party collects their bearings, the entire gauntlet begins to shake and rumble and in an instant, they are placed back in the town's center with Ares, Athena, Calliope (on the ground), and the rival party all unharmed. Indeed, if a player had died in the Gauntlet, they are restored - but make a note of this for Ch.4 (Mark of Loss).

Ch.4: Making things Aphro-righty

With the Gauntlet complete, Ares and Athena seem very content - even if though one of them clearly lost. They seem to be amicable to each other, though with the good-faith competitiveness from before. If the players won, their chosen deity will be impressed and grateful, being sure that the players know that the god will never forget this.

Once Athena and Ares are satisfied, they will snap their fingers and leave, leaving behind the smell of blood and ash.

Calliope's child is happy and healthy and although she's certainly miffed at the gods interfering, she's grateful for the players' actions in helping to appease them. She is open to having them help her name her daughter. A midwife will ask the players to give Calliope a chance to rest and will take the baby lovingly. However, as soon as they are clear of earshot, the midwife's expression will become dour. She shows that the baby has gold eyes and on its back, it has birth marks that look like feathered wings.

Before the players can ask more questions, Aphrodite will appear, smelling of lilacs and oils. "Huh", she says. "Now I didn't expect that."

End the session on that cliff hanger.

Mark of Victory

Upon winning The Gauntlet, a creature is granted the Mark of Victory. Gods can grant this mark through a kiss, a cut/scar, a new eye colour, vestigial horns, etc. The effects of the Mark of Victory depend on the god who grants them as follows:

• Ares' Mark of Victory. Ares tends to mark his champions with a cut, scar, or burn, etc. that can feel hot when the Mark's effect is used. Those with Ares' Mark of Victory can choose to turn a successful attack into a critical hit (when critical hits are applicable). This ability cannot be used again until a long rest is completed after the character has dealt the final blow to defeat an enemy. Ares always knows when this Mark is used, the weapon used, the amount of damage dealt, and the location of the user, even if on another plane of existence.

• Athena's Mark of Victory. Athena tends to mark her champions with tattoo, a cut, a brand, etc. that can feel hot when the Mark's effect is used. Those with Athena's Mark of Victory can use their reaction to choose an ally they can see within 60 ft and receive half of their damage received until their next turn. If an ally is affected by two Marks simultaneously, all damage is redirected to each of the characters that used this ability; a creature cannot be affected by more than two Marks at a time this way. This ability cannot be used again until a long rest is completed after the character has dealt the final blow to defeat an enemy. Athena always knows when damage is redirected this way, the amount, the damage type, and the location of the user, even if on another plane of existence.

Mark of Defeat

Upon "dying" in the Gauntlet, a creature is granted a Mark of Defeat. Gods can grant this mark through a kiss, a cut/scar, milky looking eyes, loss of hair, etc. The effects of the Mark of Defeat depend on the god who grants them as follows:

• Ares' Mark of Defeat. Ares tends to mark his embarrassments with milky eyes. When a creature with Ares' Mark of Defeat is hit with a critical hit, the attacking creature must make a DC 12 Athletics save or fall prone as the weapon makes a unexpected recoil. This can happen once every long rest.

• Athena's Mark of Defeat. Athena tends to mark her embarrassments with stubby fingers. When a creature with Athena's Mark of Defeat is knocked prone, it requires an additional 5 ft of movement to stand up.

A god can always choose to take back a Mark of Defeat under special circumstances.